The first meditation class I ever ran, one person showed up. The following week, no one showed up, and you should have heard the narrative that went on in my head. I was convinced I should give up on my business, pull the plug and never attempt to live my purpose, but instead turned to my heart for real guidance. It was then I understood what it meant to shift the plan WHILST holding the vision, and not give up.
I have demonic present to this day but they don't frighten me like they used to. In the past they frightened me because I believed every word that voice would say and it led me to feel down, flat and act in ways that weren't in line with my true self. This only made those thoughts seem more real and turn up the volume.
I had a constant tug of war between my head and my heart. My heart wanted and knew I could love and be loved in return, but my little ego believed I was too messed up for anyone to love me. It was torture. And even though I wanted to be in love I was scared to let love in so I kept attracting men who weren't emotionally available which reinforced my belief that I'd be alone forever. A painful cycle that reached its end when I met Steve.
Pretending to have my sh!t together to the world had me falling into a heap when I'd shut the door in my one bedroom apartment. The fake-ness and inauthenticity was haunting me and I kept people at go-go-gadget's arms length so they couldn't see the real me. I would deflect conversations away from myself, defend my reasons for shutting people out and was defiant in many ways. But as always, something's gotta give and the loneliness I felt was too painful to bear.